When God Wakes Me at 3 A.M

 

                                             

       I don’t really know how to begin this, except to say that lately, I’ve been feeling everything all at once. The confusion and helpless restless feeling that I seemingly cannot get rid of. I don’t know what kind of season I’m in, exactly. I wish I knew or somehow could get the answers I am looking for. What I do know is that God is pulling me closer, even though nothing in my life feels stable or clear.

For the past few nights, I’ve been waking up at exactly 3 a.m.

    Not once or twice — but consistently. It’s like my soul stirs me awake before my body knows why. At first, I thought it was stress. Anxiety. Maybe something I ate. But this keeps happening, and I can’t help but feel like it’s more than coincidence as annoying as it is. 

    The stillness at 3 a.m. is different. Everything is quiet minus the rain sounds I have circulated in my room. My phone isn’t buzzing. No one is asking anything of me. And for some reason, those are the hours when God feels the closest — not because I feel strong or spiritual, but because I’m too tired to pretend anymore.

    I’ve laid in bed some nights just staring at the ceiling, my heart racing with thoughts I can’t untangle. Some mornings, I’ve gotten up and sat on the bathroom floor, not even knowing what to pray, just sitting there and whispering, “God, I don’t know what You’re doing… but I want to trust You.”

And a couple mornings ago, it all just hit me.

    I couldn’t hold it in. I couldn’t keep trying to be okay. I dropped to my knees, right there on the floor, and lifted my hands — not because I knew what to say, but because surrender was all I had left. Tears started to fall before words even formed. And when the words came, they weren’t perfect. They were desperate.

"God, remove the people who no longer serve the path You have for me."
"Heal the ones who are hurting silently and carrying pain they’ve never said out loud."
"Please, God... bring me peace."

I didn’t know what I was praying for as much as I knew what I couldn’t carry anymore.

    That moment didn’t solve everything. It didn’t tie up all the loose ends in my heart. But it was real. And for the first time in a long time, I felt like I wasn’t trying to perform for God. I was just letting Him see the truth: that I’m tired, that I’m scared, that I want to follow Him, even though I don’t understand where I am going. 

And I think that's what faith really is, choosing to stay near to God in the not-knowing.

    I used to think closeness with God came from clarity or from answers. But right now, I feel closest to Him in my questions. In the tears. In the middle of the night when I feel like I’m coming apart and somehow still feel held by something greater than me.

    This path I’m on doesn’t make sense to me. People have left. Some things I prayed for haven’t come. Other things are falling away, even though I don’t know why. And yet, through it all, I feel God whispering, “Trust Me. Keep coming to Me.”

And so, I do.

At 3 a.m., when no one sees.
On my knees, when I have no words.
Through tears out on the back patio, when I’m asking Him to just make it make sense.

    But maybe the miracle isn’t in God explaining the path. Maybe the miracle is that He’s walking it with me.

    If you're in a season like this, full of waiting, of quiet transformations, of questions that go unanswered. I want to tell you: God sees you. You’re not crazy for feeling heavy. You’re not weak for crying out. You’re not lost because you don’t understand the path right now.

Sometimes the most powerful act of faith isn’t knowing — it’s staying.
Having faith that no matter where life takes you, it all part of His plan. 

So, if you wake up at 3 a.m. tonight, maybe don’t rush to silence it. Sit with it. Listen. Maybe it’s not your anxiety. Maybe it’s an invitation. To be with God. To be honest. 

Because even when nothing makes sense ...He’s still here.

-Kass